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November 13, 2012
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....I sometimes wish I had a big accident, or a disease, or something like that. I sometimes wish I was handicapped. Just so I could prove everyone that I CAN do it, that I CAN be just as good as them.
My mother often tells me I'm BETTER than them, but I sometimes just don't feel so.
Last night I imagined what would my life be if I was deaf...
....it was pretty similar to what my life is like now, actually. Still foreveralone, only without any sound.
...which would be kinda sad, actually, because I easily get lonely and music helps me quite often.

..................those thoughts make no sense at all :XD: sometimes I'm funny to myself, but then I figure out I might actually need some professional help and try to wipe them out.
which works only for few minutes or so.

............end of the rant.
I'm still at school, and I DESPARATELY need some strong connection at my home, not this one that first takes centuries to load then just breaks randomly.
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:iconhoverboardfan14:
HoverBoardFan14 Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
(huh then we are alot alike)


just dont try to worry about it
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:iconantarescr302:
AntaresCr302 Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Tnx
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:iconprincesspuma:
PrincessPuma Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Is it weird that the first part is pretty much the same like mine? I rlly feel like that often o_o Except for the deaf part >.>

Y'know what I was told by many people? Mum, headmaster I, headmaster II, etc.?
'Changing is a 2-way 'job', when you meet someone new, don't expect them to suddenly change who they are for you. Of course, they will change, but not completely, only half way. That's where you come in. You have to change yourself too. Then and only then they'll accept you cuz they will know who you are inside' - Mom

'You have to push through. Highschool is always like an aquarium full of piranhas in the beginning, that's why you have to do something about yourself. You have to get out of your shell. I know all these people (the headmaster calls us people for some reason XD) long enough to know what they're like, and trust me, they can help you crawl out of your shell, you'll see' - headmaster II

And so I did, I DID 'crawl out of my shell'. I DID change, but not completely. I don't hide the fact of who I really am and what I look like. I don't try to hide my face behind a mask of powder like other girls do. I don't hide the fact that I play video games like Skyrim, most guys already know that and none has really complained about it even tho I know it was weird for them to find it out.
But now I'm more communicative, I talk with pretty much everyone now, doesn't matter 'bout what. I. Talk. With. Boys.
You know how much that was a problem for me in middle school, I barely even ever stood next to a boy in my middle school.
Strangely, I also started listening to serbian songs I used to dislike quite a lot, but I guess that's just a consequence of my 'friendship activity'. I never wanted to start liking the crap our Serbian 'singers', if I have to call them that, make, but if it's the price I have to pay to have friends, than I'll pay it gladly.

The step I made isn't easy, that's true, you need friends to support you. And that's what you don't have to worry about, I'll always be here to help you, ALWAYS. I rose, I'm still rising to be exact, and I'll help you rise with me.
The high school is supposed to be a new beginning for us, not the continuing of our past, so I'll do all I can to help you, of course, if you're up for the change. I'm not gunna tell you what to change and what not, that's up to you to choose. All I want to do is help you in this. I know how it feels and I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through the same I went through (since ur case is pretty similar). The fact that I'm still at the beginning of my hard work pains me, but the fact that someone is still living his/her past all over again pains me even more.
So consider my advice and whatever you choose, I'll be here. <3
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:iconantarescr302:
AntaresCr302 Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
...that is the point.
no matter how much I change on the outside, I'm still the old, boring, depressive me who has absolutely no responsibilities and is usually depressive. I sometimes WANT to come out of my shell, but then I see what they all talk about and how they behave and go all nope.gif
there are some FANTASTIC people in my class, and I hang out with them a lot, but when I feel extremely down, I just ask myself "would they even WANT to listen about their crazy classmate's problems? as if they don't have enough problems themselves, right?"
That is the point with me. People who I really care about and who care about me, I drown the shit out of them in my problems no matter if they wwant it or not. When I try to change, I will come again and sob about failing change - to those same people. I guess it's just a part of who I am.
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:iconprincesspuma:
PrincessPuma Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
'no matter how much I change on the outside'
don't change only the outside (actually don't change the outside at all), change the inside. SHOW THEM that you're the same as them. Pay attention to what they listen to, what they watch. If they listen to a random song then when you hear them sing it, sing it with them. If they talk about a random spanish series or whatever, talk with them about it.
Your first goal will be to win over the girls first.
Of course, not all girls are the same, so there'll probably be some that WILL be friends with you but won't communicate much. The guys will come later, it's always been like that.
Talk about fashion with girls. Go to school wearing clothes like...hmm..jeans, cute shirt and one of those 'silkish looking' scarves around your neck (remember the black and white one I wore when we met? Those).
And don't wear just a shirt YOU think is cute (with a Linkin papak logo on it or whatever XD), wear the ones with cute animals on it or whatever.
If you have/want to, you can use make up too. Not much powder, mascara, eyeliner if you want to and NO SHADOWZ. Lip gloss too but nothing too catchy.
And don't just tie your hair in a messy ponytail (I used to be like that in middle school XD), let your hair loose, comb it 7236873246872346 times if you have to just so it looks like 'one of theirs'.
Girls often judge other girls by clothes. I used to hide in my sweater back in middle school, but now I always take it off when I come to the classroom.




Jesus I think I went too far ;A; //SHOT
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:iconantarescr302:
AntaresCr302 Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
....there are 28 boys and onleh two more girls in my class.
one of them is cutting herself, manipulating her mother with suicide threats, and thinks that she had finally met someone even weirder than her.
Other girl only thinks about flirting, always, ALWAYS wears fifty tons of mascara and powder, and is generally always a buisance in classes. Oh yes, she is also a smoker.
Do they sound like people you would want to win over?
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:iconprincesspuma:
PrincessPuma Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
.......just 2 girls? U fucking with me? :|
That's a fucking harem :U
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:iconantarescr302:
AntaresCr302 Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I dont see things that way :/
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